This
week we discovered that when we are trans-oriented, and taking
transition meds to suppress hormones, that romantic/affectionate
liaisons continue to fall into the hetero-normative binary rut and those
people in these situations relate to you as hetero-normative binary
male in a hetero-normative context.
Not a good deal!
NOT FAIR TO EITHER PARTY!
We shall NOT air our laundry here. Having been (and still am) celibate for some three decades -- owing to PTSD sexual trauma, having been sexually abused and raped by males on two separate occasions -- MOST of our gender orientation derives from this trauma. I am repulsed by male sexuality and find that suppressing testosterone (Finasteride) makes me a great deal more comfortable with myself and around other people.
Any "objective" I have in "transition" is aimed at non-binary. I am not motivating toward transitioning to female. I don't think I can transition to "female" -- and really do not want to. (I wish I were BORN female.) My transition objective is to turn down the volume on the testosterone, suppress the sex drive, eliminate the male pattern hair on chest, beard, etc.
We are on the geriatric end of the chronological spectrum, pushing nearer to the seventh decade. When much younger, I expected 70 yr olds would be either dead or sexually neuter -- as in "too old for sex." Yeah, sure . . . I've read the literature. The whole concept of any couple my age getting naked around each other is pretty terrifying. In addition to gender dysphoria, I find old bodies sorta terrifying. I am a survivor of childhood sexual trauma. Trauma tweaks orientation/presentation.
I expected that any sort of physical relationship with another person my age would be about affection, not physical engagement. I like holding hands. I like hugging -- caring affection makes me feel secure.
As we age we acquire emotional/experiential baggage. Long story short, I found someone whose baggage seemed to suggest that she is alienated and traumatized by sex, that she was a survivor of rape, sexual trauma. I entirely overlooked the simple personal history that she has been married and has children, grand-children, great-grand-children. That she is hetero-normative with a culturally normative sexual/relationship history.
I am still a child myself. This sexual/emotional stunting is arrested development from childhood sexual trauma. I cannot imagine being a parent. I cannot imagine being an adult in a relationship. I am a sexually naive child, looking for some stable, secure emotional ground. (I seek a loving parent, not a sexual companion.)
Part of the "security" I seek is my putting the sexual aspect of relationships on the back burner (in the closet?) -- Apparently, "partners" profess no interest in sex, but nonetheless relate to me within the context of the "hetero-normative dyad" and view me as "male" with male sexuality.
That is an "erotic target error" to cite Blanchard. We BOTH end up in the classical "para-philia" paradigm. (Greek, "para" beside and "philia" love). Normative, hetero-binary relations are dysfunctional for me, and so we both try to negotiate a "non-normative paradigm." Cis male, cis female, Platonic as in "no sex" and lots of affection. Good luck with that. And I am SURE too that we can teach cats to herd and fetch . . . LMAO
Affection between couples is normatively a fore-play sort of discourse. I am skilled at circumlocution, but the discourse is still about sex and fore-play. It doesn't work.
I suppose I have this figured out. This is not the sole issue in the "failure to launch" that I just took part in this past Holiday week. In the course of the discourse we discover, both of us, that we are vastly different sorts of individuals with vastly incompatible values and world perspectives.
I think it impossible, for me at any rate, to have a non-binary companionate coupling with someone who does not share my sexual orientation. My orientation gets me service connected disability from the Veterans Admin. Trying to love me is like trying to teach a cripple to run a marathon.
The saving grace in all this inept confusion, emotional roller-coaster, is that I recognized the issues and managed to bail out of the crashing airplane while I still had on a functional parachute.
Not a good deal!
NOT FAIR TO EITHER PARTY!
We shall NOT air our laundry here. Having been (and still am) celibate for some three decades -- owing to PTSD sexual trauma, having been sexually abused and raped by males on two separate occasions -- MOST of our gender orientation derives from this trauma. I am repulsed by male sexuality and find that suppressing testosterone (Finasteride) makes me a great deal more comfortable with myself and around other people.
Any "objective" I have in "transition" is aimed at non-binary. I am not motivating toward transitioning to female. I don't think I can transition to "female" -- and really do not want to. (I wish I were BORN female.) My transition objective is to turn down the volume on the testosterone, suppress the sex drive, eliminate the male pattern hair on chest, beard, etc.
We are on the geriatric end of the chronological spectrum, pushing nearer to the seventh decade. When much younger, I expected 70 yr olds would be either dead or sexually neuter -- as in "too old for sex." Yeah, sure . . . I've read the literature. The whole concept of any couple my age getting naked around each other is pretty terrifying. In addition to gender dysphoria, I find old bodies sorta terrifying. I am a survivor of childhood sexual trauma. Trauma tweaks orientation/presentation.
I expected that any sort of physical relationship with another person my age would be about affection, not physical engagement. I like holding hands. I like hugging -- caring affection makes me feel secure.
As we age we acquire emotional/experiential baggage. Long story short, I found someone whose baggage seemed to suggest that she is alienated and traumatized by sex, that she was a survivor of rape, sexual trauma. I entirely overlooked the simple personal history that she has been married and has children, grand-children, great-grand-children. That she is hetero-normative with a culturally normative sexual/relationship history.
I am still a child myself. This sexual/emotional stunting is arrested development from childhood sexual trauma. I cannot imagine being a parent. I cannot imagine being an adult in a relationship. I am a sexually naive child, looking for some stable, secure emotional ground. (I seek a loving parent, not a sexual companion.)
Part of the "security" I seek is my putting the sexual aspect of relationships on the back burner (in the closet?) -- Apparently, "partners" profess no interest in sex, but nonetheless relate to me within the context of the "hetero-normative dyad" and view me as "male" with male sexuality.
That is an "erotic target error" to cite Blanchard. We BOTH end up in the classical "para-philia" paradigm. (Greek, "para" beside and "philia" love). Normative, hetero-binary relations are dysfunctional for me, and so we both try to negotiate a "non-normative paradigm." Cis male, cis female, Platonic as in "no sex" and lots of affection. Good luck with that. And I am SURE too that we can teach cats to herd and fetch . . . LMAO
Affection between couples is normatively a fore-play sort of discourse. I am skilled at circumlocution, but the discourse is still about sex and fore-play. It doesn't work.
I suppose I have this figured out. This is not the sole issue in the "failure to launch" that I just took part in this past Holiday week. In the course of the discourse we discover, both of us, that we are vastly different sorts of individuals with vastly incompatible values and world perspectives.
I think it impossible, for me at any rate, to have a non-binary companionate coupling with someone who does not share my sexual orientation. My orientation gets me service connected disability from the Veterans Admin. Trying to love me is like trying to teach a cripple to run a marathon.
The saving grace in all this inept confusion, emotional roller-coaster, is that I recognized the issues and managed to bail out of the crashing airplane while I still had on a functional parachute.
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