"Psychology, Sexualization and Trans-Invalidation"
(An aside here -- "Trans Woman," and "Trans Man" get confusing, just like "trans-gender" and "trans-sexual." I have created a "Latinate coinage" . . . Testosteronea for those born w/ testosterone. Estrogenae for those born w/ estrogen. -- And yet it is still altogether up in the air!)
I am Testosteronea. My Primary Care team prescribed Finasteride, 5mg / daily for BPH (benign prostate hyperplasia) "pee in the night" . . . Started Nov. 15. Full effect takes 6 months (spring, 2017, close to 4/20 LMAO)
Finasteride reduces testosterone 68% to 75%, half-life is hours.
Dutasteride reduces testosterone 95% to 98%, half-life is months. Not in the VA pharmacopeia, but not $$$ and I can get this Rx filled at CostCo/Walgreen's.
Last week I asked my Primary Care doc about Dutasteride, "not offered by VA" -- Today we feel like "wait and see" on the Finasteride. Finasteride seems to be working for me: Reduction of male pattern hair, thickening of head/scalp hair, reduction in testosterone driven impulsion.
My Primary Care doc (Ph.D. in Nurse Pract. NP) offered a referral to Urology for "bi-lateral radical orchiectomy" -- surgical castration.
One of the trans-forums from which I have been eternally banned had a user from Germany (Deutschland) who used the signature: "Kein Gott, Kein Staat, Kein Fleischsalat"
No Flesh Salad -- (surgery)
And so, over dinner w/ my recently partner pal (Estrogenae) I posed a couple questions she had never encountered before: "Just exactly what part of my having my testicles removed makes you squeamish?"
-- and . . .
I've given it a great deal of thought these past fifty or sixty years of my life. I am seeking companionship -- which I seem to have found. I have been wishing/hoping that my penis and testicles would just go away. Testosterone (male sexuality) raises impulse issues for me. I seek affection, companionship, not sex. Testosterone messes up all that affection stuff for me, for us.
And so . . . "Radical bi-lateral orchiectomy? What have I got to lose?" -- what to lose indeed!
Orchiectomy is irreversible. And as I have been warned all my life about risky behaviors, "It's liable to leave a mark!"
-- LMAO --
Orchi is a 30/60 min surgical procedure performed under general anesthesia. Google tells us what we might expect.
Orchiectomy - Wikipedia
Back about 1980 I got a vasectomy, bilateral incision in scrotum, mobilize the vas, sever and tie off. 20 min under local anesthesia, 6 wks being tender, uncomfortable, pissy mood, codeine pain-killers.
I don't believe in God, the state or flesh salad. I wish they'd just fall off and go away, but have reservations about a socio-cultural construct that requires that we submit to castration in order to "pass" as who we have always been in the first place.
That said, the other sexual anxiety I have in my anxious life (PTSD, childhood sexual abuse) is that the testosterone in my system makes me crazy impulsive. "Testosterone poisoning" -- having been raped a couple times by males (Testosteronea), I am not at all comfortable with the "hetero-normative dyad." Sex generally, but testosterone especially messes me up, makes me impulsive (addiction), and I've been socialized to expect that male sexual interest in someone is intrusive, oppressive, something to keep in check or otherwise deny what I am feeling.
I use the men's room. I pee standing up. If I don't shave it turns into a beard, hair to be braided on my chest, legs, under my arms. Ick --
People call me "sir" -- Now and then, not very often and only with a lot of serious effort and attention to "disquise" am I able to "pass" without much remark, and only in the dark, at a distance, anonymously.
Blanchard and autogynaphila talks about "erotic target error."
Sexuality for Testoseronea is object directed, it's the "spirit of the penis" (Penis derives from the Latin root "penetrate" -- like a spear.)
And so basically if we cannot access the "erotic target" (hetero-normative dyad) then we Testosteronea "improvise." "Para" in para-philia is Greek for "beside" -- If we cannot hit the "10 ring" (bullseye), then we aim for the outside rings on the target, which are termed "fetish" according to the medical dogma.
Fetish is just an object noun with a lot of pejorative baggage connected to it.
In the hetero-normative dyad world, target errors can become a fixated obsession. Testosterone is a bucking horse and it's easy to get caught in the stirrups and dragged away by a testosterone stampede.
I'd like to put that horse out to pasture, but he performs some essential physiological and metabolic functions that we need (like osteo mineral density). Down side is that in order to put him down, I have to kill him. I have a hard time killing stuff.
"Kein Gott, Kein Staat, Kein Fleischsalat"